It's been a while

Sorry for the lack of blogging, I am still getting used to making sure to update and inform....LOL. Alot has taken place the past weeks so hold on tight cause this is going to be a bit of a ride. It all began a couple weeks ago with the trip to my specialists office. Although I had been doing fairly well they decided it was time to up the Humira dosage and see if I would get better results. I can not say I am happy but I guess I am willing to try almost anything to live pain free. I started to find that the injections were not lasting throughout the two week period so now I will part take in my FUN injection "stinger" every ten days. Although I sit patiently waiting for the magic day I go into remission for a couple months the hopes of this is slowly leaving my mind as I start taking more meds.....ON the bright side as per my usual routine I use that frustration and turn it into motivation. I am currently training for the Scotiabank Half Marathon. This past Sunday I ran the furthest I have ever ran which is 11.44 Kms. I have been running on Sundays with my sister and her running group so I have slowly made it past the halfway mark on my training. The fact that I even have gone this far is truly amazing. It just goes to show you mind over matter really works. On March 25th I participated in my Diva on a run 8k race. Finishing 2 minutes quicker then last year I was THRILLED!!!! I finished with a sore hip and a stitch in my side but again the point is I finished. This is a photo of me with 1k left to run.

I believe if  I just poor my heart into it I will be able to complete each run with flying colors. I was lucky enough to start hill training and I am sure this will open a whole new chapter of pain, but  honestly just think about the finish line for the half marathon and know everything I put into this I will get out of this. If I can give any advice about running goals I would strongly suggest to run with a group and try to stay at the front. It will make you work harder and accountable if you fall behind. I also recommend listening to some great music and using a running app on your phone to tract how you are doing. 

I recently celebrated my 34th birthday, WOW 34. Every year I have written myself a little note to remind of the past years events. This year I decided not too. I was not a huge fan of this past year and since my new attitude is to just live and accept the moments that happen I decided not to write about 33. I feel older. I feel like I look older and I am changing. My views are a little different, my appearance a little different and my head in a better place. For me age is not about the number it is truly how I feel. A couple years ago I felt like a 70 year old in a 30 year old body, today I feel like  34 year old in a 45 year old body. This is GOOD. I am able to accomplish more right now then I have ever been able to. It makes me feel good to know I have set some goals and one at a time I will compete them. I am a trying really hard to be a goal type person. If  I do not have something to look forward to I tend to drift. So to all those who are drifting and submerged in frustration with your arthritis try to find something to look forward to. I find this honestly really helps me.

Pets

 This week has brought alot of new things into my life. On Monday I was unsure of how I would be feeling this week. I have been having some minor issues with my injections and them not lasting through the two week period, so I have noticed alot of my symptoms coming back. I am sure everyone else has noticed as well but the limping and the stiffness, also the mood change due to frustrations. The interesting thing is when you are living with a chronic disease you almost just adjust to the pain levels, and after a while what you think is a hard time just passes like the days. Once I was put on the Humira I soon realized how I was living. I realized how bad I really was and what "good" felt like. Now after my first year on Humira I have defiantly learned alot about my body and how I handle things. I know when I am going to get sick and when I need to take a time out and not do so much. The support this year has truly been amazing. Roger has been there for every shot and helped me through the mental, and physical end of things and my family has been a very positive source of energy. My friends old and new have taken my mind off the current situations. Overall I can not believe it has almost been a year. This week started off covered in a clouds and Tuesday was a difficult and frustrating day but ended with some tear of joy and a new love in my life.The story goes like this......
 I recently had been discussing with Roger that I thought we should get a dog. After looking everyday at the SPCA, shelters and dog reserves I found a couple sweet potential puppy's. We first met "Carlin" together this past Sunday. Roger had already been to meet him early last week but we decided to go check out this pup together last Sunday. Once meeting him we knew he was going to be a big dog but we had a connection and he kind of stole my heart. When we left the Vancouver SPCA we had filled out some forms to foster him. "Carlin" who's name is now Hutch, had a cold. He was in isolation and we wanted to foster him to get him out of the SPCA and get him well. We also thought it was a great opportunity to see how well he would do. Since no one can pin what his background of breed is we thought it would be great to check his temperament. Long story short we bought toys, borrowed a kennel got him everything he would need for a good stay with us to only be called on Tuesday and find out he was no longer up for fostering. Roger called and asked me to make the decision to adopt of just forget about him. Apparently there was such a demand for this little guy that they were ready to adopt him out that day. As the day went on I knew I had a big appointment with the specialist and needed to focus on that, not a dog I did not have. After my appointment I was talking with my mom and was upset about my frustrating appointment. I went in with that positive attitude only to be told that I am not doing as well as expected and they are upping my dosage. This would require a injection every 10 days instead if every 14 days. Ultimately I do not want to be doing the injections every 2 weeks let alone every 10 days. I kept telling myself that I was doing really well....I mean I can get through a 7k run right??? Yeah I am in discomfort but my mind takes over and I push myself through it. So now I am faced with the added injection which on the bright side may be my missing link I need. I can not think about long term effects of this medication I need to think of the "Now" I need to be present and try this and go with it. I sat in my car a while trying to figure out why I was so upset. Was it that I felt disappointed in myself? Maybe I am not doing enough? maybe I am doing to much? Maybe I need more vitamins? Then as I talked to myself in my car I wish it would all go away.........I am just scared, I scared for my mood, for my future for the next stages. I always try to fight the tears but clearly I have been a bit depressed. Although I may not think I am my doctor claimed that I am suffering from depression and I am always fighting it everyday.....Just wanting to be normal after feeling like this situation is unfair is totally normal. I never want anyone to feel pity, or sorry for me so I just Carry on. It was very apparent to me on Tuesday that I now see the depression. I got home and decided to go sit in the shower. the day had been so taxing between the dog and the appointment I just felt nothing was going my way. ..................this is where the story takes a turn.........I heard a BARK.....my heart stopped and I started to cry. I quickly got out of the shower to be greeted by "Hutch" Roger then informed me that he went to the SPCA and decided that he would adopt him and since we had already filled out all the forms we had first dibbs. I was thrilled. What a great surprise. Roger knew how good it would be for me to have a dog, for walks for happiness and I was over the moon with excitement. That is when we decided that the he needed to have a new name "Hutch" instead of Carlin. My day had quickly gone from frustrating to filled with a new member to our little family.
 The past couple days have been alot of work but well worth it. My mood is different I am excited go home and take him out, I am  excited to go explore with him, take him camping and just love him. There has been many studies done on pets and depression. The big question is do pets help with depression? I can tell you first had along with many others that that answer is a big YES. Psychologist, scientists, doctors , vets all agree that pets are good for mental and physical health. Most pet owners that suffered with depression now have a better nights sleep, and their overall health is better which in return means less visits to the doctors office. When we take the focus off ourselves and focus our energy on caring for something else like a pet it helps with our daily lives. A study done showed woman between that age 25-40 suffering from depression exercised more, felt more positive, were happier, and their overall health was better after getting a pet. Now the pet does not just have to be a dog. It can be a hamster, bird, cat whatever floats your boat really. It is that fact that focus is no longer spent on over thinking, and since loneliness and the feeling of being alone goes hand in hand with depression studies have shown that having a pets does battle these two things. The love from a pet is unconditional, they always great you, love you and never judge. I am so excited to see what Hutch will do for me. I feel like the timing is perfect. I feel like I have so much love to give him and in return he is going to help me with my battles.

LuckY?

 Are you one of those people who always wishes for luck? I hope I get lucky? I wish I could get lucky? Lucky this, lucky that???? They type of luck I always wish for, is the luck of money. At least that's what I thought this morning....... I know they say money does not buy happiness but I believe that it sure helps out alot! Today I was reminded that luck is not about material things you attain but the life you lead, the people you keep in your circle, and the great memories you make. It is about family, friends, and the best life you live. There is this guy I know who goes to the casino a fair bit and I swear he always wins, I always make comments about horse shoes falling out of his ass. The best part is he is so financially set that the last thing he needs is more mullah. I am not sure what he did to deserve this amazing karma that he has but he always wins and I always comment "YOUR SO LUCKY!!" Here's the thing. He is a miserable person who is not that nice to anyone. He can be very short, rude, mean and a bit of a grump.I often think there is not enough money in the world for me to ever step into his shoes. I can not even imagine what life would be like that miserable. Yeah he's always "winning" but he's also miserable.

In the dictionary the word lucky means chance and good fortune. I do believe this person has good fortune and by chance has magically convinced the universe to constantly allow him to win........all the time. But I also know someone who is filling some tough shoes. She is very broke, has relationship problems, children that are causing trouble. She is the hardest worker I know, always smiling even when she is having the worst day. These two people are polar opposites. This woman I know has just lost her father this past week and still as she is standing at my desk she is still smiling. She has been dealt a very difficult set of cards and every time she tried to make changes for the better something comes and knocks her down. I see such depression in her eyes and yet a smile on her face to cover it all up. She has not been dealt good fortune in her life and the chance has yet to come her way. She cares so much that even when her family treats her horribly she is still there holding there hand til the day they pass.

What I was reminded today is that I may not be rich, I may not get "lucky" all the time but my good fortune is the wonderful people around me and the love they give me. My luck does not come in the form of material things but yet the form of love, happiness, family and friends. Although I don't have horseshoes running out my ass like my one male friend I would not change what I have for anything or anyone. I by chance have met people who have changed my life dramatically and that is where the man in the sky has made me lucky. This Saint Patricks Day when you are sitting around with your friends or family make sure you make a toast to them. Unlike the man I know who will most likely be sitting in the casino alone you will be celebrating with those close. That makes you lucky!!

Pretty girls, Shiny rims

 Today's post was inspired by an email I received today. I was claiming in an email to a dear friend that I had not been feeling myself. I didn't get into complete detail but what I was trying to express was that I feel at times like the walls are coming in on me a bit. I sometimes feel like I am standing still in a room full of people and they are all moving forward but I feel like I can not lift my feet up. It is a very overwhelming feeling. At times I feel like I am confused on what direction I should take. I have these very very highs and extreme lows. I over think everything and am feeling very worried for some things that are ahead of me. I am not sure what triggers these types of days but every now and a gain I get really down. I am not afraid to admit it and I am not afraid to share it but I struggle with this depression side of chronic illness. It weighs heavy on me every once and a while.....today being one of those days. You know I know it's all about the positive attitude which I think I am better at , I know it's all about my physical health but to be honest I think I am struggling with alot from all of it. I have not been able to get my weight under control, and I am sooooo tired all the time and I don't feel happy. The point I'm trying to express here is when I get all caught up in these overwhelming thoughts I lose focus of all the great things. Today the email I received made me stop for a second and remember all the small things. His exact words "See the beauty in all the little things" the next sentence was "You know like pretty girls, shiny rims" LOL so I tried to find something right away that I could find beauty in.......and well this is what I found.............ANGEL FOOD CAKE WITH LEMON CURD AND MASCARPONE CREAM.........that's right you heard me the cover of the Canadian living magazine sitting on my desk with the most beautiful looking cake. The interesting thing about this is my mom makes this angel food cake with lemon and lemon whipping cream and it is heavenly!! So in the process of me looking for things of beauty I was reminded of my family.

Here is my reminder to all of you that have followed me on these posts. Please find the beauty in something small each day just one thing to start if you are feeling down...then work your way up.  See the bright side and don't get discouraged. Open up to those around you that make you smile and be compassionate to those who need it. Like Pretty girls and Shiny rims!!! ( thanks Ron)

Power Of Movement

The sound of 100 or so people all in a room together in the phrase of Om. Truly a breath taking and peaceful experience. I felt the first tear fall when I opened my eyes and looked around the room at everyone together and sitting in the same formation. THE  POWER OF MOVEMENT was truly moving. It moved me internally , emotionally and physically. It light up peace in my heart laughter and a feeling of one. I was fortunate enough to have my wonderful broth in-law Ian , and my Auntie Heather join me this time. At first walking in I honestly did not know what to expect. I was a tad drowsy from the night before but figured this yoga class would be okay because I could relax...........WELL what a pleasant surprise to know that a quarter of the way through we were laughing, jumping, dancing, playing Patty cake with partners a truly involved in movement. The second tear fell when I decided to do a little video on my phone. Everyone I mean EVERYONE was dancing, singing and laughing. It was amazing to feel,and see so much energy. I honestly have never been in a room that had this much energy. In life lived like this everyday the world would be a better place no question. The third a couple tears fell was at the end of class when it was complete silence. There was peace in the air. It gave me a chance to reflect on how far I have come, where I am heading and how absolutely grateful I felt to have all of these people raising money, sharing love for something that I deal with on a daily basis. I can not explain to you what it is like to be in my shoes but I can tell you is yesterday I remember how good it feels to be involved in such a wonderful cause.

The reality of it all.....

 This is a post which I never wanted to write. I feel like if I do not express this then I am not allowing others to relate of help me get through the struggle. I have always had a hard time with my weight. I can be honest as I am getting older it is becoming harder and harder. Since I have entered into my 8th month of Humira I have noticed physically I can do more I am also having a very hard time losing the weight...I seem to be gaining weight. Today was my breaking point. A customer actually came up behind my desk to ask if I was pregnant, and if not I had gained a crap load of weight. YES she said "Crap Load" I always seem to hold it together pretty well but today I went straight to the bathroom and cried. As the tears streamed down my face I though to myself how unlucky I feel.....I am not skinny and I never have been, I have poor posture now and have a hard time standing tall. I walk funny at times but for the most part hide everything extremly well. Until today I thought I had made all the right changes and decisions. I have done alot or research on the web and have come across the fact that most people on Humira have gain weight.....But most of them lose weight. I have cleaned out all my cupboards, changed my diet and I still have gained weight. I think the fact that ANOTHER person has asked if I am pregnant just broke me.
 Not everyone knows my story or my journey and sometimes since I appear to be a strong and stable person it makes it easy for people to open up to me or be honest. It makes it easy for people just to say whatever they feel. The problem is some people do not have a filter. They feel like my feelings won't get hurt. I am one of the most sensitive people I know. I am emotional, passionate, and take alot to heart. I over think everything to the point where I can work myself into a complete frenzy. But have gotten so much better. I try so hard to not think about the things that stress me, and I have let go of alot of things that have made me feel upset, sad or did not bring me joy. The person yesterday does not know what I go through on a daily basis. I want to clarify that this is not a pity party for one here, it is just she has no idea what I have been through. She does not know my family history, or my medical situation. All she knows is I do not look the same to her as I once did. She did not know that the things she said would ruin my whole day, or make me think about doing a million sit ups, she just lost her filter and spoke what she believed to be her truth. THE BIGGEST issue is even if you were my worst enemy I would never look at you and say "Wow you've gained a crap load of weight"............There are rules and that my friends is the worst one to break. .......Here is the thing, I am not perfect and do not claim to be. I work incredibly hard for the body I do have. I have imperfections which I hate but out all those things defiantly do not define who I am by any means. I am not lazy and I do not fill my body with crap. I have embraced what I can of this disease and I think I have done really really well. Yesterday I let someone break me, literally sat in the shower and cried. I refuse ABSOLUTELY refuse to let this upset me any longer. If you take anything from this post please take this with you..............

What is important to me is my health. I can look any way skinny, fat, chunky, muffin topped...but what I care more about is my attitude, how I treat others, and my arthritis. I have found compassion, understanding and learned not to place judgement upon others at all. I do everything I can to make sure my future looks brighter. I fight internally all the time. I am constantly fighting. I will never give up and I hope that one day when the next person says something completely stupid I can look them in the eye and say my :"my imperfections make me beautiful and that's all that matters"

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly"

The Diva Run Here I Come!!!

I honestly have been really having a hard time writing these days. I start to write a blog then I read it and I get frustrated because it is not saying what I want it to. I desperately search for the words to fill the space or convey how I am feeling and then all the sudden like chocolate flowing from a fountain I come to realize I am exhausted......fully...completely....exhausted. My brain is tired, my body is tired and sometimes I forget that with my arthritis fatigue is huge part of it. I am frustrated because I have been eating healthy being active and right now I am struggling to finish a sentence. When I get like this I need to dig deep to try to help motivate myself or give myself a goal. So today I signed up for Diva On A Run. I think this will be the 4th time I have taken part in this run. At first just a goal to even finish, now a goal to finish with a better time and still just to make it through the finish line. Last year I did it and I hated it, I was sore I was uncomfortable and I had to walk part of it. I am determined to finish this race on behalf of all those who can not. I have met so many amazing people this past year and I have heard stories that have set a mark in my heart. Alot of people have changed my life tremendously and supported me on the days when it all seems a bit much. This run is for all those who help me everyday. For my family who reminds me how lucky we are to have each other, for my dear friends that have been so supportive and loving to me, to Roger who holds my hand every injection day and never lets me spiral down. I am running for those who love me and keep me strong. I am also running because I believe that one day there will be a cure.