A goodbye....

After numerous attempts at trying to write again this week I find myself writting and erasing, again and again. I am not sure if it because I am afraid of how I am feeling or if I am unable to say goodbye. Yesterday was injection day and I feel more emotional then ever. A true mix of emotions. I guess for me the good thing is I write...I don't claim to write well but I really try to express true feelings so that I know I am being true with who I am. After seriously writing this and going back and trying to re-write I have decided to just stop......and be true be honest and be raw.

I am sad, sadder then I have been in a long time. As I sit alone for the first time on the ferry I have no one around to take my mind off saying goodbye. I am sad because I feel like what has taken place in unfair, it's not right. I am scared because I understand living with a disease and I understand that it is hard. I do not mope about it but yet  try to make change happen. I HATE doing my injections but I know they are somewhat helping me be a stronger person. Allowing me to do things that maybe I wouldn't be able to do. This week I have connected with more people then I would have ever imagined. My circle of support has truly openned up. It is interesting my highs and lows. I have these great moments of loss and I feel angry and then I have moments where I understand she was "done". We understand it was not the medication that took her life but the arthritis and overall dealing with chronic illness that did. I am grateful for all the support this week. I am glad I am able to share my feelings with people who understand. As I look at the window at the endless water I feel like maybe 50 percent ready to say bye. I just feel like I'm not sure if I will get the closure I need yet. How could this wonderful, beautiful woman who gave so much and changed so many lives have taken her own? I will never understand. What I do know is she changed so many things for me and although I'm not ready to say goodbye I am ready to accept that I this will take time. So for now I will he onto my memories, emails, and cry when I need to and carry forward day by day minute by minute.....

Wish there was more time....

It is with a heavy heart that I start this post.......I was informed that a dear friend had passed away. I felt like the tears would never end, and they probably won't. As I went to bed last night I lay there scared and sad and just feeling like I did not have enough time. I felt like I never got to explain to her what an inspiration she was to me. She like me had arthritis, except her form was quite a bit different she had tried numerous medications and she recently had started a new one that seemed to work well and was doing really good.

I had the pleasure of finally meeting her this past year at the Blue Bird Gala for the Arthritis Society. She was the speaker at the gala and she completely blow everyone away. She spoke the words that I am afraid to speak, she spoke with such compassion, positivity and truly inspired me. I remember completely falling to pieces while she spoke because for the first time I did not feel fully completely alone. She changed my views that night. She made me stop in my tracts and re-evaluate my thinking on arthritis. She made me appreciate that what I was given was a tool, or gift to use to help others. There are no words to explain the way I feel this morning. The only thing I feel is I did not get enough time to tell her how much she inspired me, or how she made me feel like I was not alone or how she had this tremendous impact on my life. I can never know what she went through everyday...I can not imagoine the strength it took to be in her shoes, but I can tell you that behind that little body was a powerful punch... a powerful woman who touched many hearts and inspired many people. I spent a good portion of last night looking at her pictures on Facebook, and trying to find all the little messages she sent to me. What I can tell you is I have completely under estimated the power of Arthritis. I never thought it would take someone away from me. I just never looked at it as a disease that would do this. I understand the risk we take everyday , every dose but it never crossed my mind for one second that maybe just maybe all that we are doing is too much. I don't know....... I just know once again she has stopped me in my tracks and made me remember why I do my runs, why I work so hard to spread the word on arthritis. I hope she knew how many lives she has touched, I hope she knew what a beautiful person she was. I hope all the thing I learned from her will be things I can pass on to others down the road. In her honor I have decided to dedicate my Scotiabank Half Marathon to her. I want her to know that all of her support to me will never be forgotten. I will never forget her and only wished I was able to tell her how much she meant to me.......

I will miss you Trish always and forever.

If you would like to help me raise money to FIGHT ARTHRITIS please please donate to my page for the run!! In the words of Trish "EVEN YOUR PENNIES"!! Copy and past e this into you web browser and start sharing with your friends and family. lets raise money to FIGHT this!

http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1353816&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=http%3a%2f%2fwww.canadarunningseries.com%2fsvhm%2fcharity%2farthritis.htm

Love Erin

SUPPORT

When I say SUPPORT I understand support comes in many forms. Some in the ways of a supportive bra during a long run, support stockings, support staff, support systems, support beams to hold up a building. The word Support means the following......
To sustain or to maintain
Serve as a foundation for
Undergo or endure, especialy in patience or submission

 I require a ton of support and I do not mean int he material manner. I need mental, physical and emotional support. For some people showing support can be hard. In my situation I have found that some of the people whom I thought would support my journey slowly wasted by the sidelines as my life carries on and others stand out strong and proud and are my biggest fans. I say if you with me on this ride it will be amazing!! I have so much to look forward to so many milestones to hit and if you are supporting my journey then you are a part of what I am doing.  By being a role model I have in turn been able support to a ton of other people. I have become more positive and my actions reflect this. I am not sitting on the sidelines waiting for my arthritis to get better. The fact is there is no cure YET, so if  I sit around I will have wasted my whole life. The catch to this is I could not be where I am now with out the STRONG support of my friends and family. I would like to highlight that my sister has been a huge motivation for me. We currently have been training for the Scotiabank Half Marathon and I have stuck to the training strictly because my sister said she would do this with me....I honestly could not do it with out her. The support she gives me in this way truly makes me stronger, fit, and mentally better. This past weekend we were supose to run 16 kilometers for the training group, long story short we ran 20ks. I was so tuckered at the end but I DID IT!!!! 1 kilometer from my goal and the race is still a month and a bit away. I am still in shock...I cried a bit at the end but I was honestly so tired. Mentally I never though I would be able to do it, but physically I was able to finish 20k....it's amazing. I am sure if I did not have the support of my sister on this run I would never do it. I am not sure if she knows how lucky I feel to have her by myside or if she even undrestands that this is a goal that means the world to me and to be able to do it with her makes it even more special for me......I care more about that finish line then anything my whole life that I have accomplished. I think because it represents the fact that nothing is impossible. My family gives me the support I need to live a happy life. They don't get sad or upset about the possibility's of the future instead they stay super positive and that positivity is then transfered to me....its truly great!

 BUT Sometimes at  home and work I am finding that I am having a hard time getting the support I need. I am not afraid to say it to my followers because we all have difficult times. Sometimes I feel like I have these really hard days where I can not express how I am feeling. I don't want to burden or ask for help but sometime I need it. For the most part I do okay and I am strong on my own, but there are really hard days that require some more support. I have heard of systems where you write out a number between one and ten ten being the most difficult and make it clear for others to see........lets be honest I just won't do that. I don't wnat people to fuss over me and ask me what the number means at work......at home I might try this. People with chronic illness suffer mass amounts of depression. I sometimes feel like I am not ever going to accomplish everything and fear that things will be hard in my future it can really honestly bring you down fast if you start to let it. Support is the KEY. I need to find a way to get all the support I need from everyone around me. I need positivity, love, laughter, and goals. I can not imagine what it is like for some people who have no one to help them . Thank god I have my family and my dear friends!! That is why this run means sao very much to me. It is notr about the training, or the sweat, it is about the statement behind it......nothing is impossible. It is easy to get things when you ask or tell. If you are needing support just ask, in the long run you will feel better and maybe just maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel!!

It's been a while

Sorry for the lack of blogging, I am still getting used to making sure to update and inform....LOL. Alot has taken place the past weeks so hold on tight cause this is going to be a bit of a ride. It all began a couple weeks ago with the trip to my specialists office. Although I had been doing fairly well they decided it was time to up the Humira dosage and see if I would get better results. I can not say I am happy but I guess I am willing to try almost anything to live pain free. I started to find that the injections were not lasting throughout the two week period so now I will part take in my FUN injection "stinger" every ten days. Although I sit patiently waiting for the magic day I go into remission for a couple months the hopes of this is slowly leaving my mind as I start taking more meds.....ON the bright side as per my usual routine I use that frustration and turn it into motivation. I am currently training for the Scotiabank Half Marathon. This past Sunday I ran the furthest I have ever ran which is 11.44 Kms. I have been running on Sundays with my sister and her running group so I have slowly made it past the halfway mark on my training. The fact that I even have gone this far is truly amazing. It just goes to show you mind over matter really works. On March 25th I participated in my Diva on a run 8k race. Finishing 2 minutes quicker then last year I was THRILLED!!!! I finished with a sore hip and a stitch in my side but again the point is I finished. This is a photo of me with 1k left to run.

I believe if  I just poor my heart into it I will be able to complete each run with flying colors. I was lucky enough to start hill training and I am sure this will open a whole new chapter of pain, but  honestly just think about the finish line for the half marathon and know everything I put into this I will get out of this. If I can give any advice about running goals I would strongly suggest to run with a group and try to stay at the front. It will make you work harder and accountable if you fall behind. I also recommend listening to some great music and using a running app on your phone to tract how you are doing. 

I recently celebrated my 34th birthday, WOW 34. Every year I have written myself a little note to remind of the past years events. This year I decided not too. I was not a huge fan of this past year and since my new attitude is to just live and accept the moments that happen I decided not to write about 33. I feel older. I feel like I look older and I am changing. My views are a little different, my appearance a little different and my head in a better place. For me age is not about the number it is truly how I feel. A couple years ago I felt like a 70 year old in a 30 year old body, today I feel like  34 year old in a 45 year old body. This is GOOD. I am able to accomplish more right now then I have ever been able to. It makes me feel good to know I have set some goals and one at a time I will compete them. I am a trying really hard to be a goal type person. If  I do not have something to look forward to I tend to drift. So to all those who are drifting and submerged in frustration with your arthritis try to find something to look forward to. I find this honestly really helps me.

Pets

 This week has brought alot of new things into my life. On Monday I was unsure of how I would be feeling this week. I have been having some minor issues with my injections and them not lasting through the two week period, so I have noticed alot of my symptoms coming back. I am sure everyone else has noticed as well but the limping and the stiffness, also the mood change due to frustrations. The interesting thing is when you are living with a chronic disease you almost just adjust to the pain levels, and after a while what you think is a hard time just passes like the days. Once I was put on the Humira I soon realized how I was living. I realized how bad I really was and what "good" felt like. Now after my first year on Humira I have defiantly learned alot about my body and how I handle things. I know when I am going to get sick and when I need to take a time out and not do so much. The support this year has truly been amazing. Roger has been there for every shot and helped me through the mental, and physical end of things and my family has been a very positive source of energy. My friends old and new have taken my mind off the current situations. Overall I can not believe it has almost been a year. This week started off covered in a clouds and Tuesday was a difficult and frustrating day but ended with some tear of joy and a new love in my life.The story goes like this......
 I recently had been discussing with Roger that I thought we should get a dog. After looking everyday at the SPCA, shelters and dog reserves I found a couple sweet potential puppy's. We first met "Carlin" together this past Sunday. Roger had already been to meet him early last week but we decided to go check out this pup together last Sunday. Once meeting him we knew he was going to be a big dog but we had a connection and he kind of stole my heart. When we left the Vancouver SPCA we had filled out some forms to foster him. "Carlin" who's name is now Hutch, had a cold. He was in isolation and we wanted to foster him to get him out of the SPCA and get him well. We also thought it was a great opportunity to see how well he would do. Since no one can pin what his background of breed is we thought it would be great to check his temperament. Long story short we bought toys, borrowed a kennel got him everything he would need for a good stay with us to only be called on Tuesday and find out he was no longer up for fostering. Roger called and asked me to make the decision to adopt of just forget about him. Apparently there was such a demand for this little guy that they were ready to adopt him out that day. As the day went on I knew I had a big appointment with the specialist and needed to focus on that, not a dog I did not have. After my appointment I was talking with my mom and was upset about my frustrating appointment. I went in with that positive attitude only to be told that I am not doing as well as expected and they are upping my dosage. This would require a injection every 10 days instead if every 14 days. Ultimately I do not want to be doing the injections every 2 weeks let alone every 10 days. I kept telling myself that I was doing really well....I mean I can get through a 7k run right??? Yeah I am in discomfort but my mind takes over and I push myself through it. So now I am faced with the added injection which on the bright side may be my missing link I need. I can not think about long term effects of this medication I need to think of the "Now" I need to be present and try this and go with it. I sat in my car a while trying to figure out why I was so upset. Was it that I felt disappointed in myself? Maybe I am not doing enough? maybe I am doing to much? Maybe I need more vitamins? Then as I talked to myself in my car I wish it would all go away.........I am just scared, I scared for my mood, for my future for the next stages. I always try to fight the tears but clearly I have been a bit depressed. Although I may not think I am my doctor claimed that I am suffering from depression and I am always fighting it everyday.....Just wanting to be normal after feeling like this situation is unfair is totally normal. I never want anyone to feel pity, or sorry for me so I just Carry on. It was very apparent to me on Tuesday that I now see the depression. I got home and decided to go sit in the shower. the day had been so taxing between the dog and the appointment I just felt nothing was going my way. ..................this is where the story takes a turn.........I heard a BARK.....my heart stopped and I started to cry. I quickly got out of the shower to be greeted by "Hutch" Roger then informed me that he went to the SPCA and decided that he would adopt him and since we had already filled out all the forms we had first dibbs. I was thrilled. What a great surprise. Roger knew how good it would be for me to have a dog, for walks for happiness and I was over the moon with excitement. That is when we decided that the he needed to have a new name "Hutch" instead of Carlin. My day had quickly gone from frustrating to filled with a new member to our little family.
 The past couple days have been alot of work but well worth it. My mood is different I am excited go home and take him out, I am  excited to go explore with him, take him camping and just love him. There has been many studies done on pets and depression. The big question is do pets help with depression? I can tell you first had along with many others that that answer is a big YES. Psychologist, scientists, doctors , vets all agree that pets are good for mental and physical health. Most pet owners that suffered with depression now have a better nights sleep, and their overall health is better which in return means less visits to the doctors office. When we take the focus off ourselves and focus our energy on caring for something else like a pet it helps with our daily lives. A study done showed woman between that age 25-40 suffering from depression exercised more, felt more positive, were happier, and their overall health was better after getting a pet. Now the pet does not just have to be a dog. It can be a hamster, bird, cat whatever floats your boat really. It is that fact that focus is no longer spent on over thinking, and since loneliness and the feeling of being alone goes hand in hand with depression studies have shown that having a pets does battle these two things. The love from a pet is unconditional, they always great you, love you and never judge. I am so excited to see what Hutch will do for me. I feel like the timing is perfect. I feel like I have so much love to give him and in return he is going to help me with my battles.

LuckY?

 Are you one of those people who always wishes for luck? I hope I get lucky? I wish I could get lucky? Lucky this, lucky that???? They type of luck I always wish for, is the luck of money. At least that's what I thought this morning....... I know they say money does not buy happiness but I believe that it sure helps out alot! Today I was reminded that luck is not about material things you attain but the life you lead, the people you keep in your circle, and the great memories you make. It is about family, friends, and the best life you live. There is this guy I know who goes to the casino a fair bit and I swear he always wins, I always make comments about horse shoes falling out of his ass. The best part is he is so financially set that the last thing he needs is more mullah. I am not sure what he did to deserve this amazing karma that he has but he always wins and I always comment "YOUR SO LUCKY!!" Here's the thing. He is a miserable person who is not that nice to anyone. He can be very short, rude, mean and a bit of a grump.I often think there is not enough money in the world for me to ever step into his shoes. I can not even imagine what life would be like that miserable. Yeah he's always "winning" but he's also miserable.

In the dictionary the word lucky means chance and good fortune. I do believe this person has good fortune and by chance has magically convinced the universe to constantly allow him to win........all the time. But I also know someone who is filling some tough shoes. She is very broke, has relationship problems, children that are causing trouble. She is the hardest worker I know, always smiling even when she is having the worst day. These two people are polar opposites. This woman I know has just lost her father this past week and still as she is standing at my desk she is still smiling. She has been dealt a very difficult set of cards and every time she tried to make changes for the better something comes and knocks her down. I see such depression in her eyes and yet a smile on her face to cover it all up. She has not been dealt good fortune in her life and the chance has yet to come her way. She cares so much that even when her family treats her horribly she is still there holding there hand til the day they pass.

What I was reminded today is that I may not be rich, I may not get "lucky" all the time but my good fortune is the wonderful people around me and the love they give me. My luck does not come in the form of material things but yet the form of love, happiness, family and friends. Although I don't have horseshoes running out my ass like my one male friend I would not change what I have for anything or anyone. I by chance have met people who have changed my life dramatically and that is where the man in the sky has made me lucky. This Saint Patricks Day when you are sitting around with your friends or family make sure you make a toast to them. Unlike the man I know who will most likely be sitting in the casino alone you will be celebrating with those close. That makes you lucky!!

Pretty girls, Shiny rims

 Today's post was inspired by an email I received today. I was claiming in an email to a dear friend that I had not been feeling myself. I didn't get into complete detail but what I was trying to express was that I feel at times like the walls are coming in on me a bit. I sometimes feel like I am standing still in a room full of people and they are all moving forward but I feel like I can not lift my feet up. It is a very overwhelming feeling. At times I feel like I am confused on what direction I should take. I have these very very highs and extreme lows. I over think everything and am feeling very worried for some things that are ahead of me. I am not sure what triggers these types of days but every now and a gain I get really down. I am not afraid to admit it and I am not afraid to share it but I struggle with this depression side of chronic illness. It weighs heavy on me every once and a while.....today being one of those days. You know I know it's all about the positive attitude which I think I am better at , I know it's all about my physical health but to be honest I think I am struggling with alot from all of it. I have not been able to get my weight under control, and I am sooooo tired all the time and I don't feel happy. The point I'm trying to express here is when I get all caught up in these overwhelming thoughts I lose focus of all the great things. Today the email I received made me stop for a second and remember all the small things. His exact words "See the beauty in all the little things" the next sentence was "You know like pretty girls, shiny rims" LOL so I tried to find something right away that I could find beauty in.......and well this is what I found.............ANGEL FOOD CAKE WITH LEMON CURD AND MASCARPONE CREAM.........that's right you heard me the cover of the Canadian living magazine sitting on my desk with the most beautiful looking cake. The interesting thing about this is my mom makes this angel food cake with lemon and lemon whipping cream and it is heavenly!! So in the process of me looking for things of beauty I was reminded of my family.

Here is my reminder to all of you that have followed me on these posts. Please find the beauty in something small each day just one thing to start if you are feeling down...then work your way up.  See the bright side and don't get discouraged. Open up to those around you that make you smile and be compassionate to those who need it. Like Pretty girls and Shiny rims!!! ( thanks Ron)