This is a post which I never wanted to write. I feel like if I do not express this then I am not allowing others to relate of help me get through the struggle. I have always had a hard time with my weight. I can be honest as I am getting older it is becoming harder and harder. Since I have entered into my 8th month of Humira I have noticed physically I can do more I am also having a very hard time losing the weight...I seem to be gaining weight. Today was my breaking point. A customer actually came up behind my desk to ask if I was pregnant, and if not I had gained a crap load of weight. YES she said "Crap Load" I always seem to hold it together pretty well but today I went straight to the bathroom and cried. As the tears streamed down my face I though to myself how unlucky I feel.....I am not skinny and I never have been, I have poor posture now and have a hard time standing tall. I walk funny at times but for the most part hide everything extremly well. Until today I thought I had made all the right changes and decisions. I have done alot or research on the web and have come across the fact that most people on Humira have gain weight.....But most of them lose weight. I have cleaned out all my cupboards, changed my diet and I still have gained weight. I think the fact that ANOTHER person has asked if I am pregnant just broke me.
Not everyone knows my story or my journey and sometimes since I appear to be a strong and stable person it makes it easy for people to open up to me or be honest. It makes it easy for people just to say whatever they feel. The problem is some people do not have a filter. They feel like my feelings won't get hurt. I am one of the most sensitive people I know. I am emotional, passionate, and take alot to heart. I over think everything to the point where I can work myself into a complete frenzy. But have gotten so much better. I try so hard to not think about the things that stress me, and I have let go of alot of things that have made me feel upset, sad or did not bring me joy. The person yesterday does not know what I go through on a daily basis. I want to clarify that this is not a pity party for one here, it is just she has no idea what I have been through. She does not know my family history, or my medical situation. All she knows is I do not look the same to her as I once did. She did not know that the things she said would ruin my whole day, or make me think about doing a million sit ups, she just lost her filter and spoke what she believed to be her truth. THE BIGGEST issue is even if you were my worst enemy I would never look at you and say "Wow you've gained a crap load of weight"............There are rules and that my friends is the worst one to break. .......Here is the thing, I am not perfect and do not claim to be. I work incredibly hard for the body I do have. I have imperfections which I hate but out all those things defiantly do not define who I am by any means. I am not lazy and I do not fill my body with crap. I have embraced what I can of this disease and I think I have done really really well. Yesterday I let someone break me, literally sat in the shower and cried. I refuse ABSOLUTELY refuse to let this upset me any longer. If you take anything from this post please take this with you..............
What is important to me is my health. I can look any way skinny, fat, chunky, muffin topped...but what I care more about is my attitude, how I treat others, and my arthritis. I have found compassion, understanding and learned not to place judgement upon others at all. I do everything I can to make sure my future looks brighter. I fight internally all the time. I am constantly fighting. I will never give up and I hope that one day when the next person says something completely stupid I can look them in the eye and say my :"my imperfections make me beautiful and that's all that matters"
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly"
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I honestly have been really having a hard time writing these days. I start to write a blog then I read it and I get frustrated because it is not saying what I want it to. I desperately search for the words to fill the space or convey how I am feeling and then all the sudden like chocolate flowing from a fountain I come to realize I am exhausted......fully...completely....exhausted. My brain is tired, my body is tired and sometimes I forget that with my arthritis fatigue is huge part of it. I am frustrated because I have been eating healthy being active and right now I am struggling to finish a sentence. When I get like this I need to dig deep to try to help motivate myself or give myself a goal. So today I signed up for Diva On A Run. I think this will be the 4th time I have taken part in this run. At first just a goal to even finish, now a goal to finish with a better time and still just to make it through the finish line. Last year I did it and I hated it, I was sore I was uncomfortable and I had to walk part of it. I am determined to finish this race on behalf of all those who can not. I have met so many amazing people this past year and I have heard stories that have set a mark in my heart. Alot of people have changed my life tremendously and supported me on the days when it all seems a bit much. This run is for all those who help me everyday. For my family who reminds me how lucky we are to have each other, for my dear friends that have been so supportive and loving to me, to Roger who holds my hand every injection day and never lets me spiral down. I am running for those who love me and keep me strong. I am also running because I believe that one day there will be a cure.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I do apologize for the lack of blogging...I just have not been feeling the writing the past couple weeks. I am in the middle of valentines mayhem!! I absolutely dislike this time of year. it requires me to do extreme amounts of labour. I have a tough time on a good day but basically its thousand upon thousands of flowers that have to be ready for client pick up in 2 days. I am a bit stubborn I have yet to accept that I should get someone else to do all the lifting. I sometimes think I am invisible. You know the more I think about it, the more I think that the most common comment I get is that I do not look like anything is wrong. recently my cousin Ryan sent me an email. it became very apparent that I have hid alot of what I go through with a good portion of people. Maybe out of embarrassment, maybe because I feel it is personal...I am not 100 percent sure but I do know that until recently no one really knew the struggles. Lately physically I have been good but mentally I have been struggling a bit. depression is a huge part of chronic illness. I have to mentally fight to not let things spiral out of control. Stress for me is huge. I get stressed very easy and I tend to react to the stress and then I can feel myself slipping just a bit. When I am busy Just like anyone else I do not have time to think about anything else. It is when I actually have to stop for a moment and relax that I have time to think about the other part of my life. Yesterday I came home and and was so exhausted. I had an hour to myself before Roger came home and I found myself realizing how sore and tired I was. I started to think about how my body felt and how was I ever going to make it through this life with this stupid disease...clearly tired I started to cry. I had a good frustrated cry and then I was better. I pulled up my big girl panties and decided I could feel myself heading down the depression road so I went for a 5k run. I think the hardest part was actually figuring out when I could feel the depression was coming on. I now know when it is happening and I know how to deal with it. For me physical activity can be very hard but also very rewarding. I know that when I start to get that feeling that the walls are coming down the best thing for me to do is to be out in the OPEN air. Whether it be walking, running, going for a drive I just know that the way I combat my stress and depression is by actually doing something physical. I am slowly getting better at learning to share my disability and opening up about it. I am trying not be embarrassed, or negative but better yet positive and inspirational. I finished 5k yesterday without stopping and I can not tell you how GREAT I felt after. Every step is hard but the accomplishment of turning the crappy day into a positive day, where I was able to use my frustration to motivate me is HUGE. So today I suggest if you are having a not so great day step outside into the open air and go for a walk.