Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Why are you limping....

 It still amazes me when after I had done so well for so long that I am back in pain mode. Yesterday someone at work asked me if I had hurt myself because I am limping around. When I reminded them that it was my arthritis, they were shocked that they completely forgot about it because I "seemed" normal. I am normal there is nothing wrong with me except this one large road block that seems to impair my movement. I mean I even forgot about it until the past couple weeks. I will not lie to you but this morning I cried for the first time in a long time my condition. I could not get my pants on without sitting on a chair. I held the railing walking up the stairs. So frustrating. I go back in forth in my mind wondering if I was diagnosed wrong. I think that is normal thing to do when you have been diagnosed with a disease with no cure. I just wish there was a solid way to feel great without the medications. This week I have cut out the salts, sugar and have been diligent about staying gluten free and clean eating. Seems to me these things are not helping.....I have been trying for so long to get a good handle on this and today I am just frustrated. This chronic disease bullshit is really getting to me....the fact I wrote bullshit clearly shows you my frustration. I now am faced with the financial part of medication. If I want to go back on the biologic I have a hefty deductible that I need to pay out and that is so stressful. Anyway that's a whole other post.....My goal was NOT to go back on meds and try to live with this and get better and be positive. I can not tell you how much this weighs on me on days like today. It is so very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want so many GREAT things for my life, like a family and right now the thought of lifting a child scares me.....because I couldn't do it. I can barely walk normal these days. I guess also with my birthday around the corner, the pressures of getting older are really weigh heavy. I honestly would give up everything (except my family and Friends) if I knew tomorrow I could wake up and live pain free. So with all that said I want to reach out to my followers and get you to send me all your positive energy today....I am in need. Emotionally it is hard to be vulnerable and let others see you having a hard time, but not everyday can be GREAT!!

I am thinking tonight I may eat chips and drink wine.....seems like a short term solution??? LOL

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

6 months fly's by...........

Good morning

I decided that after putting this off for so long it was time for me to catch you all up on my recent progress, life, and fun stuff. This time I am not apologizing for not writing lol I was just not feeling like writing and sharing. I also have been so busy it's nuts! The last time I wrote was in August. So to sum up quickly without boring you to much I have decided bullet points will have to do.....

  • November we went on our annual Mexico trip and visited some really beautiful beaches. We drank and danced and ate so much great food. This was our 6th trip to the Mayan Rivera and every time we love it more. We found this beautiful beach that had a bar located right at the water. It was GORGEOUS!!! 
  • December came and I spent a good portion of this month very sick. I got really sick just after Mexico. It started with fever then I broke out in a rash, then had all the symptoms of cold and flu. I then decided to STOP my injections. You are not suppose to take them when you have an infection and I was INFECTED lol.....after Christmas I still was not 100 percent so I tried very hard to eat right and get better.
  • January came and I felt really great so I decided to NOT go back on the Humira. I figured I had no pain, was able to run, walk and feel 50 percent better so why stay on it. I did not tell anyone and decided I would wait to see if I was in remission. I also started school!!! I registered for my MOA at BCIT and decided I wanted to get into the medical end of things. I have had to learn so much already that hopefully this would be the first steps to a proper medical background helping others with Arthritis. I am starting with my MOA and then from there the possibilities are endless.
  • February came and I still had not gone back on the Humira. Work clearly was busy with Valentines but I seemed to manage my minimal symptoms well. I decided that I wanted to stay off the Humira and try to get my body ready for a baby......I felt ready and willing to try, although not married, I was feeling a lot of pressure with the time limit at my age also I felt so good that the timing seemed right. By the end of February I decided to celebrate not being on the medication by telling friends and family. I was thrilled to "think" I was in a remission state. I received so many great messages and I in the back of my mind I felt it was to good to be true..........
MARCH........well I spoke to soon, Although a bit discouraged I am thinking about going back on the Humira. This past week was a reminder for me that my Arthritis is not gone, that it still exists in this body. I understand there is no cure but remission sounds so nice. My mood has changed, I feel stressed, upset and frustrated. No one can imagine unless you are in these shoes. It amazes me that life seemed that much easier when I felt good. My life was still that same minus the chronic pain. Not only has the arthritis decided to flare up again it also comes along with the reality that I have it. Which then comes with the thinking, worrying and wondering what each day will have in store. I am not worried as much as I feel scared again. It is hard to express this to friends and family in a manner that will make them totally understand, but I know that they get the jyst of it. The funny thing is I don't remember how bad I was before the Humira. Was I worse then this? I mean how did I function and not fly off the deep end.....LOL I  so badly want to be able to care for a child, to run another half marathon ( which I am registered for) and wake up one day in full remission. For now I try and stay positive and decide if I will go back on the biologics. This by no means is a negative thing, sometimes I need to live in the reality of living with arthritis because it helps me connect with others. I read a quote once and I really liked it because of the meaning behind it. We never know how tough our road might be, but as long as we stay positive and keep trying anything is possible. THAT IS A FACT!!1

"I set my sights on making an Olympic Team, not realizing how tough it was going to be"