This is a post which I never wanted to write. I feel like if I do not express this then I am not allowing others to relate of help me get through the struggle. I have always had a hard time with my weight. I can be honest as I am getting older it is becoming harder and harder. Since I have entered into my 8th month of Humira I have noticed physically I can do more I am also having a very hard time losing the weight...I seem to be gaining weight. Today was my breaking point. A customer actually came up behind my desk to ask if I was pregnant, and if not I had gained a crap load of weight. YES she said "Crap Load" I always seem to hold it together pretty well but today I went straight to the bathroom and cried. As the tears streamed down my face I though to myself how unlucky I feel.....I am not skinny and I never have been, I have poor posture now and have a hard time standing tall. I walk funny at times but for the most part hide everything extremly well. Until today I thought I had made all the right changes and decisions. I have done alot or research on the web and have come across the fact that most people on Humira have gain weight.....But most of them lose weight. I have cleaned out all my cupboards, changed my diet and I still have gained weight. I think the fact that ANOTHER person has asked if I am pregnant just broke me.
Not everyone knows my story or my journey and sometimes since I appear to be a strong and stable person it makes it easy for people to open up to me or be honest. It makes it easy for people just to say whatever they feel. The problem is some people do not have a filter. They feel like my feelings won't get hurt. I am one of the most sensitive people I know. I am emotional, passionate, and take alot to heart. I over think everything to the point where I can work myself into a complete frenzy. But have gotten so much better. I try so hard to not think about the things that stress me, and I have let go of alot of things that have made me feel upset, sad or did not bring me joy. The person yesterday does not know what I go through on a daily basis. I want to clarify that this is not a pity party for one here, it is just she has no idea what I have been through. She does not know my family history, or my medical situation. All she knows is I do not look the same to her as I once did. She did not know that the things she said would ruin my whole day, or make me think about doing a million sit ups, she just lost her filter and spoke what she believed to be her truth. THE BIGGEST issue is even if you were my worst enemy I would never look at you and say "Wow you've gained a crap load of weight"............There are rules and that my friends is the worst one to break. .......Here is the thing, I am not perfect and do not claim to be. I work incredibly hard for the body I do have. I have imperfections which I hate but out all those things defiantly do not define who I am by any means. I am not lazy and I do not fill my body with crap. I have embraced what I can of this disease and I think I have done really really well. Yesterday I let someone break me, literally sat in the shower and cried. I refuse ABSOLUTELY refuse to let this upset me any longer. If you take anything from this post please take this with you..............
What is important to me is my health. I can look any way skinny, fat, chunky, muffin topped...but what I care more about is my attitude, how I treat others, and my arthritis. I have found compassion, understanding and learned not to place judgement upon others at all. I do everything I can to make sure my future looks brighter. I fight internally all the time. I am constantly fighting. I will never give up and I hope that one day when the next person says something completely stupid I can look them in the eye and say my :"my imperfections make me beautiful and that's all that matters"
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly"