A goodbye....

After numerous attempts at trying to write again this week I find myself writting and erasing, again and again. I am not sure if it because I am afraid of how I am feeling or if I am unable to say goodbye. Yesterday was injection day and I feel more emotional then ever. A true mix of emotions. I guess for me the good thing is I write...I don't claim to write well but I really try to express true feelings so that I know I am being true with who I am. After seriously writing this and going back and trying to re-write I have decided to just stop......and be true be honest and be raw.

I am sad, sadder then I have been in a long time. As I sit alone for the first time on the ferry I have no one around to take my mind off saying goodbye. I am sad because I feel like what has taken place in unfair, it's not right. I am scared because I understand living with a disease and I understand that it is hard. I do not mope about it but yet  try to make change happen. I HATE doing my injections but I know they are somewhat helping me be a stronger person. Allowing me to do things that maybe I wouldn't be able to do. This week I have connected with more people then I would have ever imagined. My circle of support has truly openned up. It is interesting my highs and lows. I have these great moments of loss and I feel angry and then I have moments where I understand she was "done". We understand it was not the medication that took her life but the arthritis and overall dealing with chronic illness that did. I am grateful for all the support this week. I am glad I am able to share my feelings with people who understand. As I look at the window at the endless water I feel like maybe 50 percent ready to say bye. I just feel like I'm not sure if I will get the closure I need yet. How could this wonderful, beautiful woman who gave so much and changed so many lives have taken her own? I will never understand. What I do know is she changed so many things for me and although I'm not ready to say goodbye I am ready to accept that I this will take time. So for now I will he onto my memories, emails, and cry when I need to and carry forward day by day minute by minute.....

Wish there was more time....

It is with a heavy heart that I start this post.......I was informed that a dear friend had passed away. I felt like the tears would never end, and they probably won't. As I went to bed last night I lay there scared and sad and just feeling like I did not have enough time. I felt like I never got to explain to her what an inspiration she was to me. She like me had arthritis, except her form was quite a bit different she had tried numerous medications and she recently had started a new one that seemed to work well and was doing really good.

I had the pleasure of finally meeting her this past year at the Blue Bird Gala for the Arthritis Society. She was the speaker at the gala and she completely blow everyone away. She spoke the words that I am afraid to speak, she spoke with such compassion, positivity and truly inspired me. I remember completely falling to pieces while she spoke because for the first time I did not feel fully completely alone. She changed my views that night. She made me stop in my tracts and re-evaluate my thinking on arthritis. She made me appreciate that what I was given was a tool, or gift to use to help others. There are no words to explain the way I feel this morning. The only thing I feel is I did not get enough time to tell her how much she inspired me, or how she made me feel like I was not alone or how she had this tremendous impact on my life. I can never know what she went through everyday...I can not imagoine the strength it took to be in her shoes, but I can tell you that behind that little body was a powerful punch... a powerful woman who touched many hearts and inspired many people. I spent a good portion of last night looking at her pictures on Facebook, and trying to find all the little messages she sent to me. What I can tell you is I have completely under estimated the power of Arthritis. I never thought it would take someone away from me. I just never looked at it as a disease that would do this. I understand the risk we take everyday , every dose but it never crossed my mind for one second that maybe just maybe all that we are doing is too much. I don't know....... I just know once again she has stopped me in my tracks and made me remember why I do my runs, why I work so hard to spread the word on arthritis. I hope she knew how many lives she has touched, I hope she knew what a beautiful person she was. I hope all the thing I learned from her will be things I can pass on to others down the road. In her honor I have decided to dedicate my Scotiabank Half Marathon to her. I want her to know that all of her support to me will never be forgotten. I will never forget her and only wished I was able to tell her how much she meant to me.......

I will miss you Trish always and forever.

If you would like to help me raise money to FIGHT ARTHRITIS please please donate to my page for the run!! In the words of Trish "EVEN YOUR PENNIES"!! Copy and past e this into you web browser and start sharing with your friends and family. lets raise money to FIGHT this!

http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1353816&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=http%3a%2f%2fwww.canadarunningseries.com%2fsvhm%2fcharity%2farthritis.htm

Love Erin

SUPPORT

When I say SUPPORT I understand support comes in many forms. Some in the ways of a supportive bra during a long run, support stockings, support staff, support systems, support beams to hold up a building. The word Support means the following......
To sustain or to maintain
Serve as a foundation for
Undergo or endure, especialy in patience or submission

 I require a ton of support and I do not mean int he material manner. I need mental, physical and emotional support. For some people showing support can be hard. In my situation I have found that some of the people whom I thought would support my journey slowly wasted by the sidelines as my life carries on and others stand out strong and proud and are my biggest fans. I say if you with me on this ride it will be amazing!! I have so much to look forward to so many milestones to hit and if you are supporting my journey then you are a part of what I am doing.  By being a role model I have in turn been able support to a ton of other people. I have become more positive and my actions reflect this. I am not sitting on the sidelines waiting for my arthritis to get better. The fact is there is no cure YET, so if  I sit around I will have wasted my whole life. The catch to this is I could not be where I am now with out the STRONG support of my friends and family. I would like to highlight that my sister has been a huge motivation for me. We currently have been training for the Scotiabank Half Marathon and I have stuck to the training strictly because my sister said she would do this with me....I honestly could not do it with out her. The support she gives me in this way truly makes me stronger, fit, and mentally better. This past weekend we were supose to run 16 kilometers for the training group, long story short we ran 20ks. I was so tuckered at the end but I DID IT!!!! 1 kilometer from my goal and the race is still a month and a bit away. I am still in shock...I cried a bit at the end but I was honestly so tired. Mentally I never though I would be able to do it, but physically I was able to finish 20k....it's amazing. I am sure if I did not have the support of my sister on this run I would never do it. I am not sure if she knows how lucky I feel to have her by myside or if she even undrestands that this is a goal that means the world to me and to be able to do it with her makes it even more special for me......I care more about that finish line then anything my whole life that I have accomplished. I think because it represents the fact that nothing is impossible. My family gives me the support I need to live a happy life. They don't get sad or upset about the possibility's of the future instead they stay super positive and that positivity is then transfered to me....its truly great!

 BUT Sometimes at  home and work I am finding that I am having a hard time getting the support I need. I am not afraid to say it to my followers because we all have difficult times. Sometimes I feel like I have these really hard days where I can not express how I am feeling. I don't want to burden or ask for help but sometime I need it. For the most part I do okay and I am strong on my own, but there are really hard days that require some more support. I have heard of systems where you write out a number between one and ten ten being the most difficult and make it clear for others to see........lets be honest I just won't do that. I don't wnat people to fuss over me and ask me what the number means at work......at home I might try this. People with chronic illness suffer mass amounts of depression. I sometimes feel like I am not ever going to accomplish everything and fear that things will be hard in my future it can really honestly bring you down fast if you start to let it. Support is the KEY. I need to find a way to get all the support I need from everyone around me. I need positivity, love, laughter, and goals. I can not imagine what it is like for some people who have no one to help them . Thank god I have my family and my dear friends!! That is why this run means sao very much to me. It is notr about the training, or the sweat, it is about the statement behind it......nothing is impossible. It is easy to get things when you ask or tell. If you are needing support just ask, in the long run you will feel better and maybe just maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel!!