Seems fitting today that I write something that I wrote on my iPhone while sitting in the doctors office a couple weeks ago. I stumble across it and thought it was worth sharing what I wrote. So here it is an unfinished note I wrote myself in hopes to share this I think.......I stumble across it last night and well here it is.
Someone mentioned to me in a comment something that has stuck in my head lately. Imagine that you are floating down a river and just allowing the water to carry you, moving you gently and swaying you from one side to another. It just sounds so nice to me. It could be because I love water and maybe this is why I feel so close to that statement. I can tell you this much I have been throw a whorl wind and I am only at the beginning of my journey. Today I am sitting in the doctors office and I see a lady with a walker. It makes me feel sad and then I feel sorry for myself why is this?? is it because I fear for my future....am I scared? I am unsure. So instead of turning to these negative thoughts into more I choose to write on my iPhone. God I want to feel better, I am tired of being sick. Something about the Doctors office puts a dark cloud over my head. All I want to imagine right now is floating down the river. ....................I guess at this point I got called into the office because it was unfinished.
This is all I wrote this day. It was on December 29th just after being sick for almost 2 months. Clearly not one of my great days but I do recall having a good rest of the day. This week I had an appointment at my specialist and all I can tell you is I was frustrated. I clearly was not thinking about the flowing river this day. lt was the first time in a long time that I was invisible. I just felt like the doctor did not answer my questions at all BUT before my appointment I met a wonderful girl named Jane in the office. She is a year younger then me and she had her beautiful daughter with her. Jane and I got to chatting and it turns out we were both diagnosed the same time, and at the same age. I asked her alot about her pregnancy and how it was for her, and how she was feeling. I was so glad to hear she did wonderful. She said she went into a remission while she was pregnant and felt wonderful. I have read that during pregnancy RA and AS symptoms seem to vanish for a bit. All the arthritis symptoms came right back after her pregnancy was over. The only catch was during her pregnancy her body built up antibodies and she was not able to go back on her remicade. Remicade is another drug used to treat arthritis. So now she is on what I am on which is Humira but having major complications. Her hair is falling out, and skin is patchy, sick all the time. I felt horrible for her. When I was talking to her she was trying so hard not to cry. She showed me her patches of hair loss, and showed me her eye brows and explained what they are now doing to help her. She now for the past year has been doing injections into her scalp and face to get the hair growth back. She clearly has been through alot. Her daughter is so full of life and happy and she said she now is on a mission to get healthy for her. My heart just sank. After she got up tp go into the room I thought to myself is it worth it.......is all this really worth it? The drugs, the appointment's, the frustrations. The answer is yes.......Yes it is all worth it. The thing we must remember is there is always someone who needs more. In this case "Jane" has overcome obstacles and she still is smiling. Her obstacles have been ten times harder then mine. There is always someone who's story goes a little deeper then our own. The way she played, looked , laughed with her daughter was amazing. In her daughters eyes it's just mom. Her daughter has not learned why they come to the office every month. Jane still smiles, laughs and after painful injections walks out of the room and smiles at the sight of her daughter playing. Jane gets her strength threw her daughter. The only good thing that came from my appointment was meeting Jane, it was a reminder of how lucky I am. It was humbling to see how strong she was. I did not look at her and feel sorry for her or myself or feel worried for my future but better yet I felt inspired. I think maybe now looking at it the reason my appointment was not the greatest is because it was more about just meeting Jane this day.
Arthriris to me is like a raging river at times rough, dangerous, and scary but eventually if you find your right frame of mind it becomes a calm stream and if you can get through the scary parts, frustrating parts, and upsetting parts you then can imagine yourself floating down a river just going with the flow and allowing it to take you on a journey swaying side to side.........just allowing the river to carry you, you may find some calm along the way. This day Jane was my calm.