Gosh

I do apologize for the lack of blogging...I just have not been feeling the writing the past couple weeks. I am in the middle of valentines mayhem!! I absolutely dislike this time of year. it requires me to do extreme amounts of labour. I have a tough time on a good day but basically its thousand upon thousands of flowers that have to be ready for client pick up in 2 days. I am a bit stubborn I have yet to accept that I should get someone else to do all the lifting. I sometimes think I am invisible. You know the more I think about it, the more I think that the most common comment I get is that I do not look like anything is wrong. recently my cousin Ryan sent me an email. it became very apparent that I have hid alot of what I go through with a good portion of people. Maybe out of embarrassment, maybe because I feel it is personal...I am not 100 percent sure but I do know that until recently no one really knew the struggles. Lately physically I have been good but mentally I have been struggling a bit. depression is a huge part of chronic illness. I have to mentally fight to not let things spiral out of control. Stress for me is huge. I get stressed very easy and I tend to react to the stress and then I can feel myself slipping just a bit. When I am busy Just like anyone else I do not have time to think about anything else. It is when I actually have to stop for a moment and relax that I have time to think about the other part of my life. Yesterday I came home and and was so exhausted. I had an hour to myself before Roger came home and I found myself realizing how sore and tired I was. I started to think about how my body felt and how was I ever going to make it through this life with this stupid disease...clearly tired I started to cry. I had a good frustrated cry and then I was better. I pulled up my big girl panties and decided I could feel myself heading down the depression road so I went for a 5k run. I think the hardest part was actually figuring out when I could feel the depression was coming on. I now know when it is happening and I know how to deal with it. For me physical activity can be very hard but also very rewarding. I know that when I start to get that feeling that the walls are coming down the best thing for me to do is to be out in the OPEN air. Whether it be walking, running, going for a drive I just know that the way I combat my stress and depression is by actually doing something physical. I am slowly getting better at learning to share my disability and opening up about it. I am trying not be embarrassed, or negative but better yet positive and inspirational. I finished 5k yesterday without stopping and I can not tell you how GREAT I felt after. Every step is hard but the accomplishment of turning the crappy day into a positive day, where I was able to use my frustration to motivate me is HUGE. So today I suggest if you are having a not so great day step outside into the open air and go for a walk.