A goodbye....

After numerous attempts at trying to write again this week I find myself writting and erasing, again and again. I am not sure if it because I am afraid of how I am feeling or if I am unable to say goodbye. Yesterday was injection day and I feel more emotional then ever. A true mix of emotions. I guess for me the good thing is I write...I don't claim to write well but I really try to express true feelings so that I know I am being true with who I am. After seriously writing this and going back and trying to re-write I have decided to just stop......and be true be honest and be raw.

I am sad, sadder then I have been in a long time. As I sit alone for the first time on the ferry I have no one around to take my mind off saying goodbye. I am sad because I feel like what has taken place in unfair, it's not right. I am scared because I understand living with a disease and I understand that it is hard. I do not mope about it but yet  try to make change happen. I HATE doing my injections but I know they are somewhat helping me be a stronger person. Allowing me to do things that maybe I wouldn't be able to do. This week I have connected with more people then I would have ever imagined. My circle of support has truly openned up. It is interesting my highs and lows. I have these great moments of loss and I feel angry and then I have moments where I understand she was "done". We understand it was not the medication that took her life but the arthritis and overall dealing with chronic illness that did. I am grateful for all the support this week. I am glad I am able to share my feelings with people who understand. As I look at the window at the endless water I feel like maybe 50 percent ready to say bye. I just feel like I'm not sure if I will get the closure I need yet. How could this wonderful, beautiful woman who gave so much and changed so many lives have taken her own? I will never understand. What I do know is she changed so many things for me and although I'm not ready to say goodbye I am ready to accept that I this will take time. So for now I will he onto my memories, emails, and cry when I need to and carry forward day by day minute by minute.....