Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The path

I took some time off of posting after the passing of my dear friend Trish Moffatt. I wanted to give a bit of time before I posted this to really process my experience with letting go. I want to share with you that alot has been going on the past 2 months and I am doing fine. Most important is I am hanging in there. I am not sure where to begin but we can start with my trip to Kamloops to say goodbye.

First off I want to express that most people I did not tell that Trish committed suicide, It was not the drugs that killed her but ultimately the arthritis and living with the pain killed her. I want to be raw and honest so here it goes..... Kamloops is beautiful, HOT, and completely lovely. Making this trip was very hard to do but I felt I needed to have some closure in order to move forward. I was nervous all day about the trip but I knew it was important to me and important for me to understand. As we drove into Kamloops we decided to stop off at the Starbucks to get direction to the bridge.......when I walked through the doors of the Starbuck to my amazement one of my dear friends and her husband  where sitting there having a coffee with their new son. This was a first time meeting with her son and I was so very thrilled!! I think some higher power was working on turning my day into something that could be really positive. It was meant to be. I was suppose to stop by Kelowna on our way home from the okanagon but as it turned out I was so lucky to run into them as a reminder of how precious life is. We then said our goodbyes and ventured to the bridge. As Roger and I were driving we went right over the bridge without even noticing until all the sudden I said I think that was the bridge. We pulled over on the highway and took a look back. Yes it was the Bridge, but not the vision I had in my head. I felt panic, sadness, I was clearly overwhelmed. I think I told Roger just to keep driving about 3 times. Roger then decided to take a back road to the hiking trail on the side of the road that would lead me to the bridge without being in danger of the highway. When we drove through the residential area I was sad....I was scared and I knew I had to say goodbye. We parked and Roger, Hutch and I followed a beautiful trail to a look out of the bridge. I believe I took her last steps on this trail.....When we reached the lookout I was not prepared at all for the image that I saw. It's funny when some one tells you a bridge the first thing I thought was water and a huge bridge....kinda like Lions Gate. This was nothing like that. It was a deep steep creek bridge. Below was no water........I looked down to see how deep and was so unbelievable overwhelmed I could barely think about saying goodbye. I can tell you that I understand now that Trish was clearly not in the right mind set at all. After a couple minutes I asked Roger to give me a couple minutes. I found a trail that led directly to the side of the bridge and a mesh fence. I walked down a very dusty dirty trail beside the busy highway......once I reached the bottom I was right beside the railing. The mesh fence had a huge hole cut out of it with a tremendous drop. I place a beautiful bouquet of flowers there and I stood there for what seemed eternity. I said everything I wanted to say but was unable to say goodbye. As I walked up the trail back to the top of the hill I stood there for a couple minutes and took in the view and decided that it was time to go. I felt a sense of relief and a sense that in my own way I could move forward. As I was walking a big beautiful Magpie bird followed the whole back down the trail.....Once we got in the car the Magpie who had been resting on a wire flew away.....Out of that whole experience I can not help but think that The bird was watching me the whole time.

I am still grieving and probably will never fully understand but I was able to let go a bit and am moving forward with the mission of spreading the words that Trish is not able to anymore. I know she would want me to be the best I can be and to continue spreading awareness about a disease that kills. I was diagnosed with a stress fracture a couple weeks back and clearly have had to put the running on hold. Although disappointing I am now just starting to feel better. I am determined to run my half marathon that I worked so hard to train for. I also dedicated my run in memory of her. She always wanted me to join JIM (Joints In Motion) and finishing this half marathon not only for myself but for her would be truly overwhelming. I can not think of a better way to honor her. I am trying to raise money for The Arthritis Society and am hoping I can get my followers to forward thew link below to everyone they know. Copy and paste the link below and hopefully we can raise alot of money together.

xxoo Erin

No comments:

Post a Comment