And so.....

Let me start again .......My name is Erin Lynn Milliard and I have Ankylosing Spondylitis. This chronic debilitating disease has tested all my limits. It has tested my strength, my weakness, my body, my soul, and my mental state. It has tried to trick me to giving in to it over and over.....it has cause so many tears that I could have a river named after me. In 2009 decided to start writing a blog to help me cope with all the information I was getting, to have a voice and to help others. Somewhere along the line I got lost. I have so much to be grateful for yet everyday this damn disease takes control. Everyone has their opinions maybe I should do this, or maybe I should do that....I need to be clean eating, I need to go on the anti-inflammatory diet, I need to do yoga.........Today I walked into my Specialist office and said I WANT YOU TO FIX ME......I want you to make me better. The first time in 7 or 8 years that I actually started to cry. I generally find that letting them see that I am positive and happy means maybe better results. What I have found is that today I finally was able to show how truly scared I am. I am 35 years old and I all I want is to get up every morning and be able to function normally, I want people to look at me at work and see that I am doing my very best. I want to look at a mom and her baby and see that I will be able to get through this hard time and be a mom as well. I want to be that pillar of motivation for others but in order for all this to happen I need to break into a million pieces first. How is it possible on paper to show that I have this, genetic testing shows it's in my blood line and that the findings are true, yet in my heart I believe there must be another reason.......I have never said I would settle for this diagnosis and as the years go by and I am faced with sending off more paperwork to get approved for yet again another drug because the paperwork tells them this is what I need. In my heart what I wish for is that day when someone says we found a cure. As my million pieces are sitting on the doctor floor he looks at me and says that he is going to do everything to try and fix me.....The one goal is to stay positive. I don't feel strong today I feel mildly defeated. As I embark on my next new drug I have high hopes that will help me function better, be happy, and help me have the energy to keep on keeping on. If you were to ask me what I have learned this far on my journey it might go something like this..........

I have learned that "quitting" and "giving up" are only words used in times of frustration, I have learned that those words motivate me not give up. I have learned that by letting people in my chances of staying sane are much better lol. I have learned that although I may feel some days like I am defective, these defects are what makes me. This disease had taken me places that I would have never imagined, met people who truly inspire me, help others, and be compassionate. I have gained friends because of it, and have also lost friends to this disease. I have learned that I am smart, and beautiful in my own way even with a limp!! I mean I went back to school because of this disease. As I look back on my first ambitious post 5 years ago, I never thought I would be back at square one with my disease. I guess I thought I would be cured. I am going to work on picking up my million pieces and I am going to dig very deep to find out how I can manage this better for my future. |I am going to cry and I am going to embrace my arthritis in a new way........I want to thank you for reading my poor grammar for this long and I want to thank those who remind me constantly (MOM) that I am good enough and that good things will happen. Til next time xxoo E