Time passes

 Time passes very fast these days. Seem like since I started school I have not spent much time writing. Where do I begin........Summer came quickly then left just as fast. I started back in school on my third semester and still loving learning all about my body. I am always apologizing when I do not write, but to be honest I had so much going on that it has been difficult to find the time.

 My health has been not great. I have now been off humira for 8 months and feeling great not to have these drugs in my system but I am suffering super high inflammation levels and stiffness beyond anything I could remember. I trying to stay positive. Arthrtitis just has mind of it's own. I can not figure out what triggers the off and on again symptoms. I will say although being on the humira made me feel like I could be gummby on a daily basis, it also gave me a false preception of my body. Not being on any meds has been very hard. I noticed almost right away a change in my attitude, how depressed I feel and how I need to learn how to find a balance. When I was on the meds it's like I never was diagnosed with anything because I always felt better after my shot. My biggest struggle is sleeping, and getting through the night without being uncomfortable.Things like tieing my hair up, and getting in and out of a car is also an issue again. It is so hard to dig deep put on a happy face when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. Mentally I am having a hard time thinking about the future. How does one not let this determine their path........What I do know is I am willing to accept that recently I discovered that I make my happiness by spending money, by eating whatever, drinking whenever....I do all these things to give me some form of happiness. I finally hit a wall this past week when I decided that doing all those things does not really make me happy. It just gets me into debt, over weight and with a headache. I have been dealing with my depresssion in such a manor yet asking no one for help. So with that all being said this week in a new week for me. eating better, cut up the credit card and promised myself to make positive changes for my health. I am using the people around me to keep me on tract. Staying positive is the biggest battle and I am not going to give up. Hey at least I  can look in the mirror everyday and be honest with what I am doing instead of trying to hide under a rock. Right??? I came across this quote and felt it was fitting.

Staying positive,
Erin


With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” – Dr. Wayne W Dyer

Finding the balance.

 Between early early mornings with my full time job, school, running a household, family and friends I have been having a hard time finding a balance. I study everyday and now with taking on two courses I have to study more which leaves less time for the other 50 million things I need to do. I ALMOST forgot I also need to find time to deal with the on going Arthritis situation. I have not shaved my legs in 2 weeks (sorry) I just figure it takes to much time and I need that time to make dinner, do laundry, walk the dog, walk Roger ( just kidding) LOL......no but really I am really trying to figure if living on scheduled time is the best solution. Also I am trying to decide if I should go get my legs waxed.........Did I mention I am also training for my half marathon.......YUP!

Currently my schedule starts at 3:30am then I work from 5am til 1:30pm. I then drive home walk in the door, take hutch for a long walk, shower, make dinner, clean up, study for a couple hours and try to go to bed at 8:30.....which honestly is more like 9pm. It is damn hard. I am constantly on the go and barely have time to do my hair anymore, or I am to tired to put myself together. My type of Arthritis makes me extremely tired all the time, everyday. I try not to drink coffee but some time I have too. I make lists so I do not miss out on something.

What I am finding is the perfect balance is very hard to find. I don't have much time for relationship nights out or sitting down to watch a movie, but I must trust that everything I put in now will reward me later.  I do stick to my routine and so far it is working but it is not easy. I think maybe it is the Aries in me. I am not one for order, or to much organization but I am learning. I was looking at the next two months and realized there is weddings, (3) birthdays, weekends away and was wondering how I will fit it all in. I know I can it is just time management......or win the lottery hire someone to organize my life...hmmm

Oh yeah the arthritis I almost forgot. I have no time for it yet it stays with me everyday, I put it to the back of my mind and accept that this is something I don't need to schedule, because it comes and goes as it likes. It is unpredictable and can flare up when it wants and for however long it feels it wants to. I do feel like when I am less stressed it tends to not bother me as much, when I have the balance in the rest of my life it seems to be better. I have currently been going to all measures to make sure I am healthy and inflammation free but that is a whole other post.....

I could spend my whole life trying to fit it all in and trying to find the perfect recipe to the perfect balance, but the truth is I don't think life would be as interesting if I followed a perfect schedule.....So for now I will cram everything in. At least i am making the most of my time on earth right??? Never a dull moment in my life.

Why are you limping....

 It still amazes me when after I had done so well for so long that I am back in pain mode. Yesterday someone at work asked me if I had hurt myself because I am limping around. When I reminded them that it was my arthritis, they were shocked that they completely forgot about it because I "seemed" normal. I am normal there is nothing wrong with me except this one large road block that seems to impair my movement. I mean I even forgot about it until the past couple weeks. I will not lie to you but this morning I cried for the first time in a long time my condition. I could not get my pants on without sitting on a chair. I held the railing walking up the stairs. So frustrating. I go back in forth in my mind wondering if I was diagnosed wrong. I think that is normal thing to do when you have been diagnosed with a disease with no cure. I just wish there was a solid way to feel great without the medications. This week I have cut out the salts, sugar and have been diligent about staying gluten free and clean eating. Seems to me these things are not helping.....I have been trying for so long to get a good handle on this and today I am just frustrated. This chronic disease bullshit is really getting to me....the fact I wrote bullshit clearly shows you my frustration. I now am faced with the financial part of medication. If I want to go back on the biologic I have a hefty deductible that I need to pay out and that is so stressful. Anyway that's a whole other post.....My goal was NOT to go back on meds and try to live with this and get better and be positive. I can not tell you how much this weighs on me on days like today. It is so very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want so many GREAT things for my life, like a family and right now the thought of lifting a child scares me.....because I couldn't do it. I can barely walk normal these days. I guess also with my birthday around the corner, the pressures of getting older are really weigh heavy. I honestly would give up everything (except my family and Friends) if I knew tomorrow I could wake up and live pain free. So with all that said I want to reach out to my followers and get you to send me all your positive energy today....I am in need. Emotionally it is hard to be vulnerable and let others see you having a hard time, but not everyday can be GREAT!!

I am thinking tonight I may eat chips and drink wine.....seems like a short term solution??? LOL

6 months fly's by...........

Good morning

I decided that after putting this off for so long it was time for me to catch you all up on my recent progress, life, and fun stuff. This time I am not apologizing for not writing lol I was just not feeling like writing and sharing. I also have been so busy it's nuts! The last time I wrote was in August. So to sum up quickly without boring you to much I have decided bullet points will have to do.....

• November we went on our annual Mexico trip and visited some really beautiful beaches. We drank and danced and ate so much great food. This was our 6th trip to the Mayan Rivera and every time we love it more. We found this beautiful beach that had a bar located right at the water. It was GORGEOUS!!! 
• December came and I spent a good portion of this month very sick. I got really sick just after Mexico. It started with fever then I broke out in a rash, then had all the symptoms of cold and flu. I then decided to STOP my injections. You are not suppose to take them when you have an infection and I was INFECTED lol.....after Christmas I still was not 100 percent so I tried very hard to eat right and get better.
• January came and I felt really great so I decided to NOT go back on the Humira. I figured I had no pain, was able to run, walk and feel 50 percent better so why stay on it. I did not tell anyone and decided I would wait to see if I was in remission. I also started school!!! I registered for my MOA at BCIT and decided I wanted to get into the medical end of things. I have had to learn so much already that hopefully this would be the first steps to a proper medical background helping others with Arthritis. I am starting with my MOA and then from there the possibilities are endless.
• February came and I still had not gone back on the Humira. Work clearly was busy with Valentines but I seemed to manage my minimal symptoms well. I decided that I wanted to stay off the Humira and try to get my body ready for a baby......I felt ready and willing to try, although not married, I was feeling a lot of pressure with the time limit at my age also I felt so good that the timing seemed right. By the end of February I decided to celebrate not being on the medication by telling friends and family. I was thrilled to "think" I was in a remission state. I received so many great messages and I in the back of my mind I felt it was to good to be true..........

MARCH........well I spoke to soon, Although a bit discouraged I am thinking about going back on the Humira. This past week was a reminder for me that my Arthritis is not gone, that it still exists in this body. I understand there is no cure but remission sounds so nice. My mood has changed, I feel stressed, upset and frustrated. No one can imagine unless you are in these shoes. It amazes me that life seemed that much easier when I felt good. My life was still that same minus the chronic pain. Not only has the arthritis decided to flare up again it also comes along with the reality that I have it. Which then comes with the thinking, worrying and wondering what each day will have in store. I am not worried as much as I feel scared again. It is hard to express this to friends and family in a manner that will make them totally understand, but I know that they get the jyst of it. The funny thing is I don't remember how bad I was before the Humira. Was I worse then this? I mean how did I function and not fly off the deep end.....LOL I  so badly want to be able to care for a child, to run another half marathon ( which I am registered for) and wake up one day in full remission. For now I try and stay positive and decide if I will go back on the biologics. This by no means is a negative thing, sometimes I need to live in the reality of living with arthritis because it helps me connect with others. I read a quote once and I really liked it because of the meaning behind it. We never know how tough our road might be, but as long as we stay positive and keep trying anything is possible. THAT IS A FACT!!1

"I set my sights on making an Olympic Team, not realizing how tough it was going to be" 

LOVE E

4 weeks in

4 weeks in and all I want is a pizza.....maybe a grilled cheese...maybe a nice piece of cake. BUT rest assured that I will not be having any of this as I am on week 4 of my new eating. I could say diet but I prefer a lifestyle change it sounds better. Honestly the first couple weeks were really hard. Discipline with food has always been really hard especially when it comes to family gatherings, cheezzies and party's. I feel pretty good though. I have cut out wheat, sugar, salt and some dairy. Although your thinking it sounds really hard it just takes alot of planning on my behave, and smart decisions. I have to read almost every label but it only takes a second and I know if I can or can not have it. My food is very colorful and I feel really full after I eat a great meal. The long of the short is I think this will help me reach a goal weight and also make dealing with the arthritis better. I had to tell the people around me that I was doing this because I needed alot support. I still do but a good friend mentioned it usually takes 21 days to form a habit and I have made it past that so the habit of healthy eating has stuck....right.....???? I in return feel better about my body but I feel better because I have lost some weight. I also decided to start bootcamp 5 days a week and get into supreme shape. It is taking a while to see any results but "they say" (whoever they are) but slowly I hope to see some great results. At 34 it is important for me to make sure I am on the right health path.

I do apologize for the serious lack of postings but I have learned my mind and body is changing and I have had some emotional roller coasters that honestly made me feel like giving up but today I decided to start with a little update and let you know that I am doing just fine. 2012 has not been the best year so far but it is far from over I intend on ending it on a high note but just a little healthier and lighter. For all of you who suffer from chronic illness we know it is very very hard some days. I have turned to heathly eating and fitness to help boost the spirits and mind. Just try to find something you enjoy or a goal you can work towards and it will greatly help you mentally and physically. My weakness is now my strength and on that note I leave you with this quote....."Courage is not the absence or despair but the ability to conquer them"

Wish me luck on my next 4 weeks and I will post a before and after when I am sane enough to how you!! LOL

Love E

The Finish Line

My year started off with the "I WILL" statement which followed by doing my best to achieve things in my life that had purpose, inspired others, and made ME feel good. Well I am so excited to share that I finally did it....I finished my first half marathon with a time of 2hr 22minutes!! I started Training with my big sister  3 months ago with the hope I would finish in 3 hrs. This run did not come easy to me. 5 weeks ago I was diagnosed wiht a stress fracture in my lower leg which prevented me from my last 5 weeks of training. It was not until the week before I decided to try and run to see if I would be able to complete my mission. I decided I felt really good and was going to go for it! The race started off great. I was running with my sister and a couple other people including two coworkers. They all carried on and I continued to run my pace. Before I knew it they were all gone into the crowd of people. Running alone gave me time to listen to my thoughts and enjoy my run as much as possible. It was not until the 16k mark that I realized my back was starting to hurt, my hips felt like they were seizing up and my quads had bricks on them. I found myself walking a fair bit but then fighting with my inner voice to continue running. I just kept telling myself " I can do this" " I can do this". I tried to tell myself that this was not only for me but for all those who I have meet this far on my journey that can not do this. It was an internal battle that seemed to continue on the whole race. It was around the 19k mark just after trying to run/walk over the burrard street bridge I felt like walking. It was at the marking that I noticed all the people standing on the side lines cheering. I decided if I started to walk I would look silly since I was so close to the finish....SO I continued to run. That last bit seemed like forever. When I ran pasted the Arthritis Society cheering swad it gave me the extra boost I needed to finish. When I hit the 21k marker I could see the finish line just ahead.........Gosh even writting about it makes me get emotional. It was a momment in my life that no one can ever take away, that I will ever forget, that will stay with me forever. I felt my eyes tear up as I saw the finish........no one  but myself knows what I have been through, how far I have come, and how much this meant to me. Such a sweet success. I was so excited to have that medal placed around my neck to show that I completed this part of my journey. I completed for me, for my dear friend who passed and for those who could not complete it.

The only limitations are the ones we put on ourselves. I want to send a special thank you out to my sister for all the support and strength on this journey. I hit most of my running milestones with her by my side and I am so grateful that I had her to help train me. I can not wait for the day when we can finish together!!! She is such a motivating source in my life and I am not sure if she knows how much she truly has helped me. I rememeber watching her on her first half marathon. I was there at the finish and I saw how emotional and excited she was. I remember thinking I want to run.....I want to do that. I want to feel that. I am so grateful I got the experiance it. I want to run with her. So thank you Amber for helpin me reach this amazing high. One last note..........To the first specialist I had who said I wouldn't run......I would like to say to you...........HA........ I sure showed you! Anything is possible with determination, persistance, and support.

Love Half Marathoner Erin Milliard
Offical time 2:22 Place in my age group 273 out of I think 500

Creating Happiness

Our focus determines our feelings.......Doing good things truly helps us feel happy. Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being that can be characterized by pleasant and positive emotions. Ever notice how much quicker your day can be when you are happy....or how many things you retain when you are happy?? I have read that when you focus your time, energy, and attention on positive objectives, thoughts and actions it really is easy to create happiness. If you google creating happiness you will find this list.

1. Giving
2. Relating
3. Exercising
4. Appreciating
5. Try Out
6. Direction
7. Resilience
8. Emotion
9. Acceptance
10. Goals

I am glad I have this list because it has been helping me and reminding me of what I think should be important in my life. One of my previous posts was about my "I WILL" attitude. So far this year I have been doing pretty good with it. I am challenging myself more and I have made goals for myself. I would never tell anyone what to do to feel happy but since I really struggle with the heavy side of arthritis and the emotion part I need to make sure I stay focused on all the good things in my life. I feel my experiences can help others so if you are struggling with finding your happiness then try to go through these words and apply them to your life. Here is a couple ways I have applied them to my life. 1.Giving  I like to give back by donating my time and fundraising for my cause which is my arthritis. I feel by taking part in activities that support the cause truly makes me feel like I have a voice and that I am really helping.  2.Relating I have made an effort to relate, show compassion and share stories not only with all of you but with others who in turn help me be a better, happier me. 3.Exercising I strongly believe that when you take the time out to take care of your body it helps your soul!! I am a huge believer in staying active. When you exercise it helps release a good amount of daily stress, negative thoughts, and makes you feel awesome. 5.Try Out This is a tough one for me...I recently started group singing lessons. I was so afraid but I always loved to sing and I just shy'd away from it because I was scared I was not good anymore. I am proud to say that because I gave it a try I feel so much happier!! I think when you try new things out or bring back things that used to make you happy it brings a bit excitement into our lives and there is nothing wrong with feeling excitement!!! 6. Direction I believe that it is important to have direction in life although I can not speak of this one to much because I am still very unsure of which direction my life is heading but I promise I am working on it. 7. Resilience Be resilient I keeping going, I try to bounce back anytime I start to feel down. I although my moment of tears if I need to and then I bounce back. I am learning that being resilient is very important in my life. 8. Emotion Wow this one I have a hard time explaining but I think everyday emotions are what makes up our day. So many ddifferent things can happen in a day so I say "roll with it" the good the bad and the ugly emotions take them in, take what you want from them and toss out the bad ones! 9.Acceptance I am  very good at this with everything in my life except for my Arthritis I still have not accepted that it will rule my life or that it will never go away and I think that's a good thing!! 10. Goals Well this one is so very important. For me at this time I choose physical goals. These physical goals are helping me feel better and be stronger. I do have other goals in my life but for now it is the goal of finishing a task ie:running a half marathon, and singing in front of an audience. In the big picture some may think these are petty goals but in my mind they are very strong building blocks for future goals.

You do not have to follow the words exactly but yet try and apply them where you can. Being happy is a great feeling. I hope this post will help some of you along your journey to creating happiness!!!


The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters.

Audrey Hepburn