Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Being honest

I said from the beginning I would always be honest with my blog entries. I want to help others going through what I am going through on a weekly or daily basis. When I write I do it it express my feelings or emotions. I am only human. I am not depressed or trying to be negative but only honest with what I am feeling. I do not want you to think I am being a Debbie downer but I will be truthful and say my situation sucks. Today I am feeling the frustration of having this disease. Out of all days when I am trying to see the eternal light at the end of the tunnel someone told me a story that made my heart sink and I felt this heaviness over my heart. You can not help but think of the negative at times. We all do. If we are to be truthful to ourselves we first must admit that we all can get down on ourselves at times. Today I am hobbling a bit. Of course ever person I work with sees and feels the need to ask how I am doing. I know they all care and I appreciate it. There just happened to be one person who stopped me on my hobbling way to let me know her older girlfriend has something similar and she was on Humira and was sick all the time........also she added with a semi  laugh "can you believe she still ended up in a scooter because she couldn't walk"...............................All I could say is wow, I hope she is okay. Talk about kicking someone when they are down. .I walked away and instantly started to feel my heart sink. What if.....what if...what if....then this little voice in my head says ERIN pick your ass up do not let others experiences get in the way of your own, then a couple more what ifs and a quick head shake and I decided I needed to write about this. I have tried to think about every outcome of this disease but what keeps coming back is how unpredictable it can be and how it is different for every person who has it.  In all honesty it is hard at times to always be positive when you read stuff on the Internet or hear stories. I just wish that others would consider the things they say before they say them. When you are already feeling down the last thing you need is a kick in the balls. I do not think it was intentional but it got stuck in my head. I think if I was to pretend that I am feeling positive today it would a lie. It just happened to be the straw that broke this camels back this morning........

I have been sick off and on since September. My poor immune system can not decide what it wants to do. I try to be healthy and doing everything I can to stay as healthy as possible, but here I am sick again. I have been coughing so much that there is a serious amount of pressure on my back and I am walking a bit funny. The humira is wearing off and injection day is coming up so it is pretty normal for me to be hobbling a bit. I suffer from fatigue already with the type of arthritis I have but when your body is working harder then normal to keep everything healthy I get extremely tired quickly.  I am going back and forth trying to decide if this medication the so called "miracle" drug is actually helping me. Is it worth it to be sick all the time?? or am I just having a tough time on it. Do the pros's weigh out the cons? When I feel great I don't complain but now I need to make a decision by Thursday if I want to inject this drug in my body so I can physically function normally, although my immune system hates it. The question is, is it worth it? Do I want to end up in a scooter.....NO will I end up in a scooter...NO and for those who feel like it is helpful telling me negative stories....I must be honest and tell you it is not helping me. I just want to wake up one day and feel normal. I do not want to put these drugs in my body and have to worry. I do not want to think or dwell on the what ifs. Here's the good news, tomorrow I will wake up and be in a better mood and I will feel positive again. You must be honest to how you are feeling each day and accept that everyday is not going to be a good one. Pure honesty TODAY is not my best day but it will get better.

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