Friday, December 16, 2011

Acceptance and the "screw you attitude"

 I recently read a post by a woman who just was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis. She currently has a couple other autoimmune diseases so I can only imagine that this current diagnoses only added to her stress. I find social networking, emailing and reading others blog posts has really help me come to terms and work on my acceptance of this disease. Last night was my injection and I did really well all things considered. I now have been sick though for a very long time. I can tell since September 8th I have NOT been sick a total of 25 days...the rest I have been fighting off all types of fun stuff. My Body is in constant attack mode all the time so I am understanding why it is so hard to get better.  I had a moment after my injection last night where my world broke for a couple minutes. I basically felt the white flag come up and me give in to this disease. In my head I said I give up.....I just don't want to do this anymore....I put my head down and the tears started to fall. I looked at Roger who was holding my hand and had his arm around me and I said "I just can't do this I am so tired, I seem to always be a sick and I just can't figure out what I need to do to get well".  Roger is always so good with me. I can not even imagine how hard it is on him some days. It can really weigh heavy on me, and lucky him gets to see all the colors of my rainbow if you know what I mean. He is always positive and he really has accepted this as a part of me. He allows me moments to break and he lets me cry but then he helps me snap out of it. I think because I was so tired last night I just felt done. I did not want to do the injection, I started to ask myself  if it is worth it or not. I can go off it and be in constant pain, or I can stay on it feel good physically with my back but be sick all the time. I just don't know why I can't have a happy medium......or is that my happy medium???

I do not think I am ready to accept this as my life. I don't think I want or have any desire to accept the arthritis. I have come to terms with the fact that AT THIS POINT there is no cure but I refuse to accept that that is the way it always will be. I want to believe that one day I will go to my specialist and he will say " Erin we have found a solution, a cure". I need to look at last night as a motivation for me to fight back. I do not want to let this get the best of me and my disease does not make me who I am . It does not define me. In 2012 I am going to try some new things to help me on my journey. I want to get a nutritionist, a good natural path and I want my life back. I want to do all the things that I feel this has taken from me including at times my spirit. I WILL get better, I WILL run my half marathon and I WILL find a way to accept what I can one day at a time. My saying for 2012 Will be "I WILL" because I will find my way. Someone said acceptance can bring freedom and clarity........I have yet to fully embrace it but I think I will find my freedom and clarity by fighting back and NOT accepting this disease. By not accepting it into my life does not mean I am pretending nothing is wrong it just means I have thee upper hand in my a "screw you" attitude. Maybe some will disagree but as far as I am concerned 2012 will be a great year as long as I stay strong I WILL be fine!


  1. A beautiful blog, thank you for inviting me to be a part of your journey. Another thing we have in common...I was a runner for over 30 years of my life - marathons being my favorite!! It was after running Twin Cities in 09 (qualifying me for Boston) that I became ill and never recovered. The following year and a half were spent IN the hospital much more than OUT of it. Those months and the ones that followed were my "I'm going to FIGHT this disease with everything I have" years. It was not until my health psychologist made the comment to me...why the word "fight"?...that I really started to wonder if how I was dealing with my disease was helpful to me. I read one time that reality is reality. There really is no getting around it. And when you fight against reality, you will always loose. This way of understanding has nothing whatsoever to do with giving up hope or not changing your lifestyle or not searching out every possible thing that can make your life better. What it DOES mean is how I respond to this moment. Right now. This very second that I am typing these words to you. In this second, I have many illnesses. I don't feel well, I'm tired, I'm sad that I am not out shopping on the streets of Duluth, I worried about why my heart seems to be acting up.... that is my moment, right here, right now. Being honest with my moment, being kind to myself in this moment and giving myself what I need (rest, time, care from others, things that nourish my soul...)will only make me a healthier person. It's in this space - of being healthy emotionally and psychologically - that I will make all the right decisions I need to in order to LIVE with my disease - which in the end, may just turn out to heal me completely. THAT is hope. The best way to ensure a good future for myself is to take care of this very moment. It's the only way. Because you know what...the future never arrives. Nothing ever happens in the future. It all happens in the moment you are in. So NO! Never "waive the white flag"...but I gently suggest to not look at this journey as a fight. Fighting is exhausting - and you know more than anyone else how important it is to prioritize where you spend your energy. Think of it as being tossed into a river...You could fight and fight your way up stream to try and jump back out where you came in. (most likely never arriving) OR you could flow with the current, gently moving your arms and guiding yourself in the direction of the shore and step out easily onto the side...but it may mean riding for just a bit!
    You have a beautiful spirit, my dear. Use your energy to care softly for yourself. And I promise WILL be fine!!

    As I sit here (on a weekend holiday in Duluth, which is where my husband and I ran Grandma's Marathon for years)I STILL look up the shore line and think...Some day I WILL run those beautiful Lake Superior roads again. But right now, right this moment, I'm pretty sick. And that's okay. Right now I'm taking care of ME.

    Blessings and peace to you as you navigate these new roads in your life. I'm honored to be a part of it.


  2. Thank you thank you thank you. I appreciate your comment. I love the thought of floating odwn a river waiving my hands arounds guiding myself. Something about that makes me feel really peaceful. Today especially I need to feel peace.