I recently read a post by a woman who just was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis. She currently has a couple other autoimmune diseases so I can only imagine that this current diagnoses only added to her stress. I find social networking, emailing and reading others blog posts has really help me come to terms and work on my acceptance of this disease. Last night was my injection and I did really well all things considered. I now have been sick though for a very long time. I can tell since September 8th I have NOT been sick a total of 25 days...the rest I have been fighting off all types of fun stuff. My Body is in constant attack mode all the time so I am understanding why it is so hard to get better. I had a moment after my injection last night where my world broke for a couple minutes. I basically felt the white flag come up and me give in to this disease. In my head I said I give up.....I just don't want to do this anymore....I put my head down and the tears started to fall. I looked at Roger who was holding my hand and had his arm around me and I said "I just can't do this I am so tired, I seem to always be a sick and I just can't figure out what I need to do to get well". Roger is always so good with me. I can not even imagine how hard it is on him some days. It can really weigh heavy on me, and lucky him gets to see all the colors of my rainbow if you know what I mean. He is always positive and he really has accepted this as a part of me. He allows me moments to break and he lets me cry but then he helps me snap out of it. I think because I was so tired last night I just felt done. I did not want to do the injection, I started to ask myself if it is worth it or not. I can go off it and be in constant pain, or I can stay on it feel good physically with my back but be sick all the time. I just don't know why I can't have a happy medium......or is that my happy medium???
I do not think I am ready to accept this as my life. I don't think I want or have any desire to accept the arthritis. I have come to terms with the fact that AT THIS POINT there is no cure but I refuse to accept that that is the way it always will be. I want to believe that one day I will go to my specialist and he will say " Erin we have found a solution, a cure". I need to look at last night as a motivation for me to fight back. I do not want to let this get the best of me and my disease does not make me who I am . It does not define me. In 2012 I am going to try some new things to help me on my journey. I want to get a nutritionist, a good natural path and I want my life back. I want to do all the things that I feel this has taken from me including at times my spirit. I WILL get better, I WILL run my half marathon and I WILL find a way to accept what I can one day at a time. My saying for 2012 Will be "I WILL" because I will find my way. Someone said acceptance can bring freedom and clarity........I have yet to fully embrace it but I think I will find my freedom and clarity by fighting back and NOT accepting this disease. By not accepting it into my life does not mean I am pretending nothing is wrong it just means I have thee upper hand in my battle...like a "screw you" attitude. Maybe some will disagree but as far as I am concerned 2012 will be a great year as long as I stay strong I WILL be fine!